Thameslink The Musical Act 4, Scene 3: The Grayling Letter

The Secretary of State for Transport, Chris Grayling, has written a letter to fellow MPs outlining where responsibility lies for the current issues with the GTR franchise. You can read the full letter here. By way of response, we present an extract from Thameslink: The Musical.

## ACT 4, SCENE 3: THE GRAYLING LETTER ##

[CENTRE STAGE. SPOTS ON DFT SUITS X4, LOOKING UP AT LARGE NUMBER OF NEON SIGNS HANGING ROUND STAGE. ALL SIGNS SAY ‘CANCELLED’ OR ‘DELAYED’]

DfT Suit #1:

What do we do? Should we tell him?

DfT Suit #2:

I don’t think…

[DISCO BEAT BEGINS]

DfT Suit #2:

Too late! He’s coming!

[STAGE LEFT. SINGLE SPOT ON CHRIS GRAYLING IN WHITE DISCO SUIT]

Grayling:

Hello boys! I think we need to talk…

[SONG: (“Blame it on the Boogie” [Thameslink version])]

Grayling:

Now I hear the trains are failing,
And that’s certainly a bad thing,
But it’s the Grayling they are blaming,
and that’s not right!

I know the way that this goes:
Find me goats to scape quick, pronto.
Else I’ll have to kiss my cabinet post goodbye!

DfT Suits:

We could blame it on the sunshine?
We could blame it on the infra guys?
On Milton Keynes train times?

Grayling:

Just don’t blame the DfT!

DfT Suits:

Let’s blame it on the sunshine!
Or on Peter Hendy’s new guy?
And Milton Keynes’ train times!

All:

But not the DfT!

Grayling:

Now local MPs bug me.
From Huntingdon to Arlesey.
By phone, text, email and in every tweet.
Let’s change the narrative completely!
Take the pressure right back off me,
Get a letter wrote down now and QED…

All [ex. 1x DfT Suit]:

They’ll blame it on the sunshine!
A little on GTR’s side!
On Milton Keynes’ train times!
But not the DfT!

Let’s blame it on the…

[RECORD SCRATCH. MUSIC STOPS. GRAYLING LOOKS AT SILENT DFT SUIT]

Grayling:

Wait! Wait! Alan is it? I can’t help but notice you’re not singing anymore? Are you okay?

Alan:

Sorry sir. I’m fine… it’s just… no. I shouldn’t say.

Grayling:

Oh Alan. We’re a family here at Marsham Street. You can tell us.

[ALL NOD]

Alan:

Okay. Well, it’s just… well we are a little bit to blame aren’t we? I mean, we specified the GTR franchise. We decided that it should be as large and complex as it is. And then of course there’s the fact that we didn’t provide any of the bidders with the correct data about the number of drivers that would be required to run it effectively. Plus there’s the rolling stock delivery issues. Those aren’t really GTR’s fault. Maybe we should have applied more pressure there?

[ALAN CONTINUES WITH GROWING CONFIDENCE]

And of course, sir, Network Rail are an organisation whose priorities and budgets we largely dictate. Can we be sure that we did that correctly here? Are we not somewhat complicit for the failure to prioritise the recruitment and retention of highly skilled timetable staff at Network Rail? Especially once it became clear last year the scale of the timetable changes involved? Is it really fair to try and pin most of this on a small group of overworked men and women at Milton Keynes, many of who are only earning about 22k a year?

And when you really think about it, aren’t we – well… you… – responsible for everything that happens on the railways? Rather than allocating blame, should we perhaps instead focus on rebuilding the institutional knowledge within the DfT that would allow us to better predict issues and support both the TOCs and Network Rail?

[EXTENDED SILENCE. RECORD SCRATCH. MUSIC RESUMES]

Grayling:

Let’s blame it on the sunshine!

DfT Suits (excluding Alan):

A little on GTR’s side!

Grayling:

It’s Milton Keynes’ train times!

All (ex. Alan):

But not the DfT!

Grayling:

Get your pens out boys! We’ve got a letter to write!

All (ex. Alan):

Let’s blame it on the sunshine!
A little on GTR’s side!
It’s Milton Keynes’ train times!
But not the DfT!

Alan:

I just can’t
I just can’t
I just…

Grayling:

Stick with me boys! And you’ll never be held responsible again!

[SCENE ENDS]

For a more detailed (and less musical) look at the current issues with GTR services, you can find our full coverage of the causes of the current GTR issues here. Our look at the political issues associated with Thameslink is here.

Update: It has been pointed out (rightly) that many readers will not have seen the original ‘extract’s’ from the musical that we posted to Twitter and Facebook. I have now included these below, for the sake of completeness.

117 comments

  1. I liked the bit in Act 1 Scene 4 where someone realises that the Thameslink 2000 completion date has become the start date…

  2. Grayling fresh from his appearance in A Little Night Music where perhaps he hatched the idea for his letter:
    “Don’t you love farce
    My fault I fear
    I thought that you’d want what I want
    Sorry my dear
    But where are the clowns?
    There ought to be clowns
    […]
    What a surprise
    Who could foresee?
    […]
    Quick send in the clowns
    Don’t bother they’re here.”

    Off stage chorus of ex-guards:
    “Just when I stopped opening doors.”

  3. Mr Grayling has blamed Network Rail.
    According to the information held at Companies House, the Person with Significant Control of Network Rail Limited by virtue of owning more than 75% of the voting rights and having the power to appoint and remove directors is:
    Secretary of State for Transport.
    I hope he has a strong word with him.

  4. Of course there’s a little subplot in the previous act about Southern/GatEx, in which Charles Horton sings:

    “At first I was afraid, I felt really sick
    When that driver wouldn’t take that train off to Gatwick.
    But then I spent oh so many nights
    Thinking how they’d always strike,
    And, businesslike, I said “Guards, get on your bike!”
    And I fought back,
    I’m on the case,
    I’ll make your lives completely hell,
    To wipe that smug smile off your face
    I should have spoken to Aslef,
    I should have ordered 23
    Metre vehicles, 10 of them and not 12 of just twenty

    But drivers now will close the door,
    Just bugger off now,
    Guards aren’t needed any more,
    And when all of you decide to hurt me one last time,
    Do you think I’ll crumble
    Do you think I’ll ignore your crime?
    Oh no, not I. I will survive.
    Oh, as long as I have trains to run,
    I’ll continue to deprive
    Unions, so combative,
    Of the tools they use to live
    And I’ll survive.
    I will survive

    It took all the strength I had just to view a chart
    Of the ratio of our trains that actually do depart
    And I spent oh so many nights
    Just feeling sorry for the pax
    I said “I’ll try”
    And now our services scrape by
    And you see me, somebody new
    Not like those sentimental fools who service Waterloo
    And so you felt like slacking off
    And just expect a deal from me
    Now I’m saving my best deals for those who help the company.

    But drivers now will do the door,
    Just bugger off now,
    Guards aren’t needed any more,
    And when all of you decide to hurt me one last time,
    Do you think I’ll crumble,
    Do you think I’ll ignore your crime?
    Oh no, not I. I will survive.
    Oh, as long as I have trains to run,
    I’ll continue to contrive
    Ways to make Govia live,
    And the Tories to forgive,
    And I’ll survive.
    I will survive

    [etc.]

  5. @Herned

    A little side-note for you.

    His predecessor as the Hon (sic) member for Epsom & Ewell, one Sir Archibald Hamilton, was once observed running down Epsom High Street during the hustings, trying to escape a constituent who was (presumably) pressing him for answers.

  6. My contribution to the libretto for what looks like a sure fire Broadway smash!

    To the tune of City of New Orleans as recorded by Arlo Guthrie

    V1
    Ridin’ on the six-fifteen from Horsham
    Thameslink central, Tuesday morning rail
    8 cars and fifteen hundred riders, no conductor,
    Three drivers learning the trail
    And on the Northbound odyssey, the train’s delayed near Horley
    And we stare at houses farms and fields
    No trains going either way, no information still today
    Just the graveyards of Graylings glorious dreams

    Chorus
    Good morning Thameslink, how are yah
    Say don’t you know me cos I’m 9S01
    I’m the train they call the six fifteen from Horsham
    And I’ll be gone about five more miles when the day is done

    V2
    Playin’ card games with the ladies in the toilet,
    Nowhere else to sit, no-one knows the score
    Pass the last of the warm water bottle
    As another commuter crumples to the floor
    And the sons of ASLEF drivers and the sons of old school guards
    Simply find themselves reduced to tears
    The driver sings his song again, passengers please don’t complain
    This train got the Thameslink timetable blues

    Chorus
    Good day Thameslink, who are yah
    Please tell me the truth I’m not the only one
    I’m the train they call the six fifteen from Horsham
    And I’ll be gone about five more miles when the day is done

    V3
    Night time on the six fifteen from Horsham, changing trains again at Finsbury
    Half way there and we’ll be back by morning as the GTR darkness rolls down to the sea
    But all the bright and shiny dreams, of how the promises seemed
    Are lost amongst the anguish on the screens
    The drivers headed off to bed, feels like we’ve been misled
    This train got the disappearing Thameslink blues

    Chorus
    Good night Thameslink, where are yah
    Will tomorrow be worse on 9S01
    I’m the train they call the six fifteen from Horsham
    And I’ll be gone about five more miles when the day is done

    Words by Mike Wilks shamelessly plagiarised from the brilliant original by Steve Goodman

  7. Top, top work. At this rate we’ll have enough tracks for a concept album. 😀

  8. I know a man with a studio…………. but sadly it’s on a GTR route so no chance of ever getting there

  9. For the sake of completeness, I’ve now added the previous extracts we ran on social media to the article.

  10. Well at least it seems we still have a sense of humour, dark as it may be……

  11. Not sure if this one would quite fit in Thameslink: The Musical but I just remembered this one I wrote a couple of years back too (to the theme of Disco 2000):

    Oh, it was born immediately after wartime,
    When infrastructure needed money and more time.
    They called it British Railways,
    Those were the early days.
    In the sixties, Beeching did think,
    Closing lines wouldn’t make figures sink.
    They overdid it,
    Although they then regretted it.

    DfT, do you recall,
    Usage was very small,
    Continuing to fall,
    And at every station call,
    There’d be an empty ticket hall.

    And I said let’s all meet up on Thameslink 2000,
    Won’t it be great when we’re all on Mark 5s,
    Hauled by ninety threes at one forty miles an hour.

    I never knew that it’d be cancelled,
    And BR broken into private companies,
    And none of them with direction or real power.

    Then in the 80s, all this was addressed,
    Despite their budget, they did invest,
    Plus that restructure, that was for the best:
    Putting efficiency in cost to the test.
    Intercity was the first to success,
    They made a profit and the world was impressed.
    Oh, it meant nothing to you,
    ‘Cause you are the government.

    DfT, do you recall,
    Usage was not so small,
    Reversing its sharp fall,
    And at every station call,
    There’d be no ticket hall at all.

    And I said let’s all meet up on Thameslink 2000,
    Won’t it be great when we’re all on Mark 5s,
    Hauled by ninety threes at one forty miles an hour.

    I never knew that it’d be cancelled,
    And BR broken into private companies,
    And none of them with direction or real power.

    Oh, yeah!
    Oh, yeah!

    And now BR’s all over,
    Sold off in a rush for far too little.
    And I know it’ll never be the same,
    But, Major, I just wanted you to know,
    I’ll remember every single cock-up.

    DfT, do you recall,
    Usage was very small,
    Continuing to fall,
    And at every station call,
    There’d be a disused ticket hall.

    And I said let’s all meet up on Thameslink 2000,
    Won’t it be great when we’re all on Mark 5s,
    Hauled by ninety threes at one forty miles an hour.

    I never knew that it’d be cancelled,
    And BR broken into private companies,
    And none of them with direction or real power.

    Oh, would Labour force them to be rationalised?
    Would they maybe need to be “renationalised”?
    They can even still be franchised!
    Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
    Would Labour force them to be rationalised?
    Would they maybe need to be “renationalised”?
    They can even still be franchised!
    Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

  12. I have to say that even though I don’t like musicals, I really want this to be a real thing!

  13. @John Bull: At this rate we’ll have enough tracks for a concept album.

    A bit like the “concept timetable” that’s in operation?

  14. My Gilbert & Sullivan take, not a patch on those above but still:

    I am the very model of a modern Transport Secretary,
    I’ve information road, rail, and devolutionary,
    I know the TOCs of England, and I quote the services historical
    From Martins Heron to Waterloo, in order categorical;
    I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters bureaucratical,
    I understand union relations, both the simple and dogmatical,
    About timetable planning I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
    With many cheerful facts about the services passengers now can choose.

    I’m very good at politically deflecting averageness;
    Although the press claim I manage almost handleless:
    In short, in matters road, rail, and devolutionary,
    I am the very model of a modern Transport Secretary.

  15. And the old spiritual:

    It ain’t necessarily so.
    It ain’t necessarily so.
    It ain’t a reliable,
    new TL timetable.
    It ain’t necessarily so.

    And finally:

    I am Grayling
    I am Grayling
    Not my fault
    It wasn’t me.
    If you’re flailing
    In stormy waters
    I can’t hear you
    It ain’t me.

  16. I feel it should have been obvious that with late delivery of the infrastructure and the stock, that the changeover to the new timetable would have to be delayed – that the staff wouldn’t be ready. Whose fault was it that the new timetable was introduced regardless? Was there a point of no return, where some changes had to be introduced?

    Should this problem be solved by simply reverting to the previous timetable, then doing the training that should have been done, with a view to trying again in December? Or are the knock on effects too great? (I wouldn’t like to lose faster Reading-Paddington services!)

  17. A round of applause to Muzer for the adaptations of I will survive and Disco 2000. I have actually “groaned” (can’t sing) the new lyrics to the music and they’re brilliant. Now I really want to see Mr Horton doing I will survive – ideally in front of the Transport Select Committee. 🙂 🙂

  18. I would love to see Charlie Horton explaining in front of the late Gwyneth Dunwoody.

    Very tempted to pen something to the tune of Duke Ellington – “(Do not) take the T Train – not the quickest way to Bedford”

  19. @Snowy: I have a little list, they never would be missed!

    Perhaps a “Lord High Cancellor” is in order?

    Give honour,give honour,
    To the Lord high Cancellor.

    Doesn’t actually work so well… 🙁

  20. I had hoped to connect Mike Wilks (16.02) with a former SofS by providing a link to Michael Portillo on the platform at Kanakee station, joining in the singing as the City of New Orleans thundered through. Alas, the BBC website shows this episode of Great American Railroad Journeys (Series 2, Homewood to Champaign, Illinois) as not available. When (not if) it is repeated, it is worth watching – both for the train and for the enthusiasm of the locals if for nothing else.

  21. My jaw is bruised now from dropping to the floor! All these are so extraordinarily clever
    I am unable to offer anything myself other than my hearty congratulations to all This has brightened up my day considerably

  22. Hi Littlejohn – thanks for that – I think I’ve seen most of the youtube and other pieces but don’t remember Mr Portillo so I’ll look out for that. There’s a lot of railway material that is ripe for plagiarism!

  23. OK last one for tonight

    With apologies to Flanders and Swann

    No more will I travel from Carshalton Beeches to Haydons Road
    On the Wimbledon loop I will wait ‘til tomorrow to get the road
    No announcements, no porters, no buzzing of bees
    Cos at Three Bridges they’ve lost the keys
    We won’t be meeting again on the GTR train

    No more will I travel from Flitwick on platforms one to four
    At Hitchin all I see is a wide space where there were trains before
    There should have been trains, of course there should
    But no stock, no drivers, not a lot of good
    We won’t be meeting again on the GTR train

    I’ll travel no more from Finsbury Park to New Cross Gate
    At first there were no trains, and now there’s just one and it’s awfully late
    At Elstree the actors are waiting their call, at Welwyn they’re waiting for anything at all
    And Horsham’s cut off and none can recall
    When the slow train came, if ever, at all
    We won’t be meeting again on the GTR train

  24. @Mike Wilks wow, really love that one. I tried a while back to make an upbeat version of that song which listed rail re-openings etc. but to be honest I’m too cynical for that sort of thing. You’ve made much better use of the source material!

  25. @Muzer – thanks – and to complete the mutual admiration society – lovin’ your work!

  26. There was an old man called Grayling,
    whose timetables were constantly failing,
    The trains didn’t run
    so he looked for someone
    to find as a target for blaming.

  27. @Mike Wilks: The Minister Cometh:

    ‘T was on Monday morning the minister came to call,
    The wheels wouldn’t turn we weren’t going anywhere at all,
    He tore up all the franchises to try and find the shame,
    But he settled on GTR to go and take the blame.

    Oh ho it all makes work for the train crews to do…

    ‘T was on a Tuesday morning that GTR came to call,
    They said it weren’t me guv, I aint to blame all,
    They pointed at the late trains and said they’d put them all on track,
    Then they ripped up all the wiring and out went all the lights

    Oh ho it all makes work for the train crews to do…

    ‘T was on a Wednesday that Railtrack popped ‘round,
    They said the problem was third rail, which isn’t there at all.
    They couldn’t fix the wiring without standing on the bin,
    Then their foot when through a window and the timetable went in the bin.

    Oh ho it all makes work for the train crews to do…

    ‘T was on a Thursday morning the timetablers came round,
    With their charts and their schedules and their many tricks abound.
    They changed the whole timetable it took no time at all,
    But I had to call the minister to justify it all.

    Oh ho it all makes work for the train crews to do…

    ‘T was on a Friday morning, the minister made a start,
    With letters and motions he said as much as a fart,
    Every get out and cop out he duly did employ,
    So that by Monday the fuck up wasn’t fixed at all!

    Oh ho it all makes work for the train crews to do…

  28. To complete the tale:

    On Saturday and Sunday, it’s bus replacements for all,
    So it was on the Monday morning that the minister came to call!

  29. Mods: Are we going to have a competition? Given the entries, I can suggest the following categories:

    1. Closest to libel
    2. Best innuendo
    3. Longest technical term
    4. Most singable to original music
    5. Best musical adaptation

    Something for the summer holidays 😉

    Basic rules:

    – Existing song
    – Original must recognisable
    – Relevant to the topic at hand

  30. Snowy…17.22……
    May I suggest a small amendment to your excellent lyrics?

    “With many cheerful facts about the services passengers now CAN’T choose”?

  31. @SHLR – Brilliant F&S stuff. Your suggested criteria also good – make me impatient to see the entries.

  32. Pardon me boy, is this the Saint-Albania station?
    Yessir, track 2-or-9 she’s ready to go, assuming the traincrews flow.

    ( Segues into the same sequence in “young Frankenstein” – which seems highly appropriate under the circumstances! ]

  33. I have a whole stash of songs like this saved up for when the time is right. I’m not even kidding!

  34. Pardon me, boy, is that the Brighton-Cambridge choo choo?
    No, try platform 9. ‘Cos we can’t use the core ine.
    Can you afford to board the Brighton-Cambridge choo choo?
    I got my fare cheap online, so there!

  35. Mike Wilks’ “Slow Train” rewrite is pure genius. Hat tip of admiration

  36. The notion of Thameslink – the Musical isn’t so far fetched although, perhaps, ahead of its time. Most musicals need a possibly a prologue, and certainly a beginning, middle and end. I suspect we’re still in the middle phase! Perhaps it should be “Thameslink – the Musical, Part One – Descent into Chaos”. When this has won all the accolades such as Baftas and Olivier Awards, there could be a sequel: “Thameslink – the Musical, Part Two – Commuters Fight Back”?

    Is this allowed or is it musical crayonista!

  37. For the sequels

    “I only meant to go as far as Heathrow
    Extension out to Reading was in vain
    I decided to branch out and add the Wharf in
    And go out east to see you
    Riding in a purple train

    Purple train, purple train
    Purple train, purple train
    Purple train, purple train
    I only wanted to see you
    Riding in a purple train

    I never wanted to mix it with Great Western
    I only wanted to be some kind of Tube
    I could never want to steal pax from Great Eastern
    It’s such a shame I’m not grey, like the Jube

    Purple train, purple train
    Purple train, purple train
    Purple train, purple train
    I only wanted to see you
    Riding on a purple train

    Honey, I know, I know
    I know train times are changing
    It’s time we all get used
    To something new, and with no loo”

    And, for the planned timetable change in December

    May May
    At Waterloo Chris Grayling will surrender
    Oh yeah
    And I will find my destination can’t be reached by South West Rail
    The timetable book on the shelf
    Is contradicting itself
    Waterloo: can’t get to Epsom, snow on the lines
    Waterloo: Portsmouth Harbour closed by sea mines
    Waterloo: ticket gates won’t even let me through
    Waterloo: won’t get home ’til the Year is New
    Waterloo: stuck here for ever at Waterloo

    May May
    You promised us the trains would all be longer
    Oh yeah
    And now it seems my only chance is staying here the night
    And how could I ever believe
    There’ll ever be any relief?
    Waterloo: no trains to Ewell, I can’t get there
    Waterloo: all my constituents in my hair
    Waterloo: can’t get there, they want paying back
    Waterloo: knowing my fate is to get the sack

    So how could I ever

  38. It had better be a matinée performance, otherwise actors and audience might struggle to get home. Crush standing room only?

    A further attraction for the audience would be to build a Thameslink model railway layout for display first in the foyer and then out on tour in Thameslink-land. Sadly no Thameslink trains to be seen, but a crowded platform and tannoy announcements plus displays of the latest delays and cancellations. Government-owned Operator of Last Resort trains to run through non-stop on ECML services.

    Memorabilia to be on sale, such as Waiting for Godft. The Hitch-Hikers Guide to Thameslink-land, Notes from a Small Island Platform, Three Drivers in a Train (To Say Nothing of The DfT), and One of Our Trains is Missing.

  39. I wish we could collect all this creativity and wit in a bottle.

  40. A new take on Shaggy’s “it wasn’t me” with Grayling in the lead:

    Yo, man
    (Yo)
    Open up, man
    (Yeah, what do you want, man?)
    Thameslink just caught me
    (You let GTR catch you?)
    I don’t know how I let this happen
    (With who?)
    The new timetable, ya know?
    Man, I don’t know what to do
    (Say it wasn’t you)

    Alright
    GTR came in and she caught me red-handed
    Creeping away from the blame
    Picture this we were both clueless
    Banging on NR’s door
    How could I forget that I had
    Given GTR carte blanche
    All this time GTR was standing there
    GTR never took her eyes off me
    How you can grant a TOC access to end your career
    Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your career
    You better watch your back before GTR turn into a killer
    Let’s review the situation that you’re caught up inna
    To be a true player you have to know how to play
    If GTR say a month, convince GTR say a day
    Never admit to a word when GTR say
    And if GTR shames ya you tell her baby no way

    But GTR caught me on the counter offensive (It wasn’t me)
    Didn’t order enough 12 car (It wasn’t me)
    DfT even screwed up the tender (It wasn’t me)
    Didn’t specify enough driva (It wasn’t me)
    DfT got the wrong numba (It wasn’t me)
    DfT haven’t got clue (It wasn’t me)
    Passenger screams get louder (It wasn’t me)

    I have to stay until its over
    GTR came in and she caught me red-handed
    Creeping away from the blame
    Picture this we were both clueless
    Banging on NR’s door
    I had tried to keep GTR
    From what public was about to see
    Why should anyone believe me
    When I told them it wasn’t me

  41. SHLR: “A bit like the “concept timetable” that’s in operation?”
    Perhaps then, an appraisal would carry more weight by AC Grayling, rather than Rt Hon CS Grayling?

  42. Memorabilia to be on sale, such as Waiting for Godft. The Hitch-Hikers Guide to Thameslink-land, Notes from a Small Island Platform, Three Drivers in a Train (To Say Nothing of The DfT), and One of Our Trains is Missing.

    Don’t forget you can also purchase the Thameslink Fat Controller Game. The electronic version is best.

    Press start for a random day’s start situation. You have a number of trains and a number of drivers assigned to trains. The drivers are shown in various combinations of colours to show which lines they are passed to drive over. Managers are shown with a top hat and are similarly coloured to show which sections of line they are qualified to conduct a driver over.

    Your task is to move the managers around so that the train service keeps running. Unlike the real thing you can rewind backwards and try again.

    If a beginner you are strongly advised not to attempt to play the game in real time but to select half-speed or slower. Experts can play in faster than real time. People who have mastered this can play with advanced features. These include:

    1) the problem of various platforms not being suitable for 12-car trains at night due to insufficient suitable lighting – have you remembered earlier in the day to make sure these stations were staffed with dispatchers?

    2) Operational incidents occurring that are beyond your control.

    3) Random disappearance of conductor managers due to attempting to keep some kind of order going in their day job (this only happens at stations obviously – not on trains).

  43. @NGH

    That was the song that immediately sprang to mind for me, and a fine job you have done with the lyrics

  44. Summertime(tables)

    Sung by C Grayling

    Summer time-tables are making me queasy
    Punters depairin’ and my blood pressure’s high
    Oh, your TOC is rich and your train is good-lookin’
    So hush, fellow members, don’t you cry

    One of these mornings you’re gonna rise up flying
    Like Branson’s Virgin, you’ll take to the sky
    But till that morning, there ain’t nothin’ can harm you
    With government bailouts standin’ by

    One of these mornings you’re gonna call all stations
    Cancel nothing and make it on time
    But till that morning, there ain’t nothin’ can harm you
    With Grayling your daddy paying your fine

    Summer time-tables, are making me queasy
    Heads may be rolling and my end could be nigh
    Oh, your stock is rolling, just not on the rails
    Bank some profit while my letter buys time

    Latecomer/Gershwin

  45. @PoP: Operational incidents occurring that are beyond your control.

    I like that!

  46. To PoP – actually this already exists – it’s called SimSig and, IMHO, is the best signal simulation out there. It covers West Hampstead, Kings Cross, London Bridge and Victoria panels and Three Bridges – they can all be chained together if you have enough laptops, network bandwidth and trained operators. These are intense and challenging simulations – I can just about run KX single handed but then I have wasted/enjoyed (delete depending on your viewpoint) hundreds of hours. The Southern panels are hard work. It was developed by a guy who, in his day job, developed testing and training simulations for NR for their new panels so it follows contemporary signalling practice closely. To be clear, I have no connection with Simsig other than too many lost nights.

  47. Congratulations to all lyricists – who says people who are interested in trains are boring …….

  48. With apologies to Elvis…

    Maybe I didn’t take you
    From Blackfriars to Cricklewood
    Maybe I didn’t move you
    Quite as often as I could
    Missing trains I should have gone and run
    I just never checked the time(table)

    You were always on my line
    You were always on my line

    Maybe I went and cancelled
    Your train home at six oh-three
    And I guess I never told you
    I’d be skipping Anerley
    If I left you standing at Penge West
    I was running a bit behind

    You were always on my line
    You were always on my line

    Tell me, tell me that your season ticket hasn’t expired
    Give me, give me one more chance
    To get more drivers hired, drivers hired

    Missing trains I should have gone and run
    I just never checked the time(table)

    You were always on my line
    (etc.)

  49. @Mike Wilks +1 for SimSig, though it’s worth noting that the London Bridge sim is for the pre-Thameslink upgrades, at the moment at least. I’ve bought every sim over the years and have always enjoyed playing them! I’ve recently been trying to run London Bridge with a 2009 timetable (and the 2009 track layout) on my own with no ARS at half speed… I’m not sure I’m managing!

  50. @Muzer, Mike Wilks, Moosealot, NGH: All awesome (plus a shout out to anyone I’ve missed)!

    I’m having trouble with the 1982 Eurovision winner, the current version would get me locked up quite probably…. Three little TOC’s from school is also a prime candidate (and problem)…

  51. My lyric skills are not good, but surely there are enough candidates to populate several of the Lord High Executioner’s little lists of “society offenders who might well be underground”.

    The Mikado’s song about the punishment fitting the crime also includes a useful original line:

    “We only suffer to ride on a buffer in Parliamentary trains.”

    This was aimed at people who scribble on window panes, but recent events have been caused by much bigger acts of vandalism.

    Sadly, with the general encasing of buffers (anti-overrides) and removal of handrails to discourage surfing, this would be a cruel and unusual punishment but I guess we could condemn the miscreants to daily travel on ironing board seats.

    Back in the days of Gilbert and Sullivan, parliamentary trains were mandated by government to prevent the private railway companies creaming off the most profitable flows. They were all stations, with regulated fares, I think. They were in a minority whereas today they are effectively the overwhelming majority.

  52. To add to the atmosphere of Music-Hall crossed with, erm “Whitehall Farce”
    comes this little snippet
    [ Thameslink & Poundland sniping at each other over value & service – and thanks to Ian Visits for finding it. ]

    [Actually already mentioned on another thread – but, arguably, more appropriate here  PoP]

  53. 100andthirty,

    Far too easy – not even a challenge.
    By the way, it is more of a challenge to explain how WSGilbert mentioned Prius in the original. Now that could be a take for a modern version.

    As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
    I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list
    Of ministers who don’t understand the London Underground
    or Network Rail or how TOCs think – for them it’s too profound
    I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list

    The ones that follow dogma rather than a plan
    Their interest is in politics rather than the ordinary man
    They never would be missed. They never would be missed.

    There’s the ones who want costs savings. All are just the same.
    It messes up the service – then others get the blame.
    The ones who push for ‘progress’ but don’t allow the time.
    Make changes come too quickly – it should be made a crime.
    The minister demanding his  service must continue to exist
    They never would be missed. There’s none of them be missed.

    There’s the ones who don’t like drivers and don’t like what they earn
    Who try to cut the numbers down – when will they ever learn?
    The ones who want things privatised when it clearly is a flop
    When franchise retendering has clearly got to stop.
    The bidding for the East Coast one is completely up the twist.
    It never would missed, it never would be missed.

    The ones who run the railways – of which they have no idea
    They just want to get out of it and further their career.
    Who don’t understand the physics of providing motive power
    Think bi-mode is the answer – and wants to see it flower.
    And criticising Network Rail – it seems they can’t desist.
    And they’ll none of ’em be missed – they’ll none of ’em be missed!

  54. SCENE: A crowded concourse with passengers looking at (non) information displays.
    SPOT on CHRIS GRAYLING looking suave in white dinner jacket.
    HE SINGS IN WORLD WEARY TONE:

    Some enchanted evening,
    Your trains won’t be cancelled,
    Your trains many be running,
    But no one knows quite when.
    It’s all down to Carne
    And Horton as well
    It’s not DfT that’s making life hell.
    Who can explain it?
    Who can tell you why?
    No one knows the reasons ,
    Certainly not I.

    STROLLS OFF INSOUCIANTLY

  55. Excellent work PoP – stream of conciousness or have you been working it up?

    Mike

  56. Captain Deltic,

    Love it. I never ceased to be amazed by your reference to such a variety of different topics in your articles which show a broad span of knowledge. Clearly I need to add 1940s musicals to that list.

    Mike Wilks,

    Believe it or not it just came out. Though I am very familiar with the song and have parodied it before. I am quite proud of my earlier effort.

  57. PoP – you should be proud of your effort. I can just imagine Eric Idle as the modern Lord High Executioner from the ENO production singing it.

  58. I’m beginning to think that this thread should be “posted” to every relevant MP’s in-box!

  59. Time for some Paul Simon:

    “The problem is all inside your head,” he said to you,
    “The answer is easy if you stop to think it through,
    I can’t help you if your train is overdue;
    There must be fifty ways to shift the blame.”
    He said “It’s really not my habit to confess,
    Furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost in all this mess.
    So, I’ll repeat myself at the risk of saying less.
    There must be fifty ways to shift the blame,
    Fifty ways to shift the blame.”

    It’s the DfT, Lee, I just wish you could see
    It’s Network Rail, Gail, my ‘get out of jail’
    Replace with a bus, Gus, and stop all this fuss
    It must be the track, Jack, we’ll give it all back.

    He said “It grieves me now to see you miss your train
    I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again.”
    I said, “I appreciate that and would you please explain about the fifty ways?”
    He said, “I’ll point the finger at all and sundry, start a fight.
    We’ll blame the unions, and the press, then I’m sure you’ll feel alright.”
    And then he turned away and I realised he probably was right,
    There must be fifty ways to shift the blame,
    Fifty ways to shift the blame.

    It’s TfL, Mel, they caused this hell.
    Cut out a train, Raine, drive commuters insane.
    NO!
    Let’s give him the sack, Jack, don’t let him come back.
    No need to delay May, it’s time to dismiss Chris.

  60. Congratulations to all the talented alternative lyric writers. Several have had me shrieking with laughter – Timbeau’s Waterloo was brilliant.

    The nearest I can get is to slightly massacre the chorus to Downtown Train.

    “Will I see you tonight on a Thameslink train
    Every night, every night its just the same
    You leave me lonely
    Will I see you tonight on a Thameslink train
    All my dreams, all my hopes turn into pain
    On a Thameslink train

    Will I see you tonight on a Thameslink train
    Every night, every night its just the same

    Will I see you tonight on a Thameslink train
    All my dreams, all my hopes turn into pain
    On a Thameslink train
    On a Thameslink train
    All my dreams are a pain
    On a Thameslink train”

    😉

  61. We regret the cancellation of the advertised soloist – there will be a replacement Bass service.

  62. @2d tube: nice. While we’re on Paul Simon…

    CG wearing white suit stares thoughtfully into the middle distance, half-heartedly acting out what the chorus sings

    (Chorus)
    A man walks down the street
    He says why am I in such a muddle now
    Why am I in such a muddle
    Escaping the blame is so hard
    I need a photo-opportunity
    I want a shot at redemption
    Don’t want to end up in Tooting
    Or in Cricklewood Yard
    GTR GTR
    Dogs all my footsteps
    From Moorgate to Hertford North
    Mr. DfT DfT
    Get these commuters away from me
    You know I don’t find their moans amusing anymore

    (CG)
    If you’ll be my Thameslink train
    I can give your stop a miss
    I can call you Betty
    And Betty when you call me
    You can call me Chris

    (Chorus)
    A man walks down the street
    He says what will I find at my station
    Got a late little train at my station
    And oh the waits are so long
    Where’s my wifi connection
    What if it dies here
    Who’ll be my rolling stock
    Now that my rolling stock is
    Late Late
    He ducked back down the alley
    ‘Cos some irate irate passengers saw him
    All along along
    There were operational incidents
    There were skips and cancellations

    (CG)
    If you’ll be my Thameslink train
    I can make you wait like this
    I can call you Betty
    And Betty when you call me
    You can call me Chris

    (Chorus)
    A man walks down the street
    It’s a street in a strange world
    Maybe it’s the Third World
    Maybe it’s Ashwell & Morden
    He doesn’t know the anger
    He has no excuses
    He is a minister
    He is surrounded by yes men
    Yes men
    No-one puts him in his place
    Network Rail and concessionaires
    He looks around, around
    He sees someone to bass the buck to
    Deflecting his responsibilities
    He says Blame them! and It’s not my fault!

    (CG)
    If you’ll be my Thameslink train
    I can make you groan and hiss
    I can call you Betty
    And Betty when you call me
    I’ll just take the…

    (Chorus, interrupting spoken)
    You can’t say that. This is a family musical.

    (Announcer cuts in, backing music stops abruptly)
    We regret to inform you that this song has been cancelled due to…

    (CG, interrupting announcer)
    What it’s due to doesn’t matter. What you really need to know is it’s Network Rail’s fault. Or possibly GTR’s. Actually it might be Siemens, but it is definitely nothing to do with the DfT. Not DfT, got that?

  63. @Pedantic of Purley. Musicals full stop.

    More recent ones might be too obscure as you really need to know the tune to appreciate pastiches. I’m toying with Red Riding Hood’s song at the start of Into the woods, though.

  64. More Simon & Garfunkel

    “I’m sitting on a railway station
    Got a ticket to my destination………”

    Fat lot of good that is

  65. @ Moosealot – excellent. To make the concept even more hysterical try to imagine Chris Grayling acting up, dancing and playing musical instruments alongside Paul Simon as happens in the video to the real song.

    I would like to imagine that there are people in DfT and GTR offices who are reading these alternative lyrics and perhaps even singing along and then rolling round the floor in hysterics – once all the serious work has, of course, been done. Mustn’t underplay the seriousness of the mess on the railway. 😛

    This is the most fun way of learning song lyrics I’ve found. I love my music but my lyrical knowledge is poor. I’ve read more lyrics today than I’ve done in months.

  66. Mr Grayling
    Mr Grayling
    Home again
    I wish to be
    You are failing
    To succeed in
    Getting me there
    For my tea

    Can you hear me?
    Can you hear me?
    Still at Radlett
    Far away
    Missed connections
    Lose elections
    Who’ll succeed you
    Who can say?

    Mr Grayling
    You are failing
    To convince me
    I’m no fool
    You can’t blame it
    On Charles Horton
    Sadiq Kahn
    Or Tim O’Toole

  67. Thanks Moosealot, liked yours as well, though to my ears, Paul Simon sings “Welwyn” where you say “Hertford North”. Legend has it, PS wrote one of his hit songs on a railway station up north. Seems at the moment if he picked the right station he could write a whole album’s worth. To carry on from Timbeau, “Oh homeward bound, I wish I was ”

    Meanwhile on another unusually quiet, but once bustling, home counties station, in the middle of the day, a man. let’s call him Jimmie*, approaches a member of staff:
    “Please tell me if you can, what time the trains roll in?”
    “2.10; 6.18; 10.44.”

    *i.e. Jimmie Rodgers, but Waylon Jennings or Rod McKuen could take his place.

  68. @Timbeau 18:34: Original song title/artist?

  69. Paul doing a solo:

    Yesterday, My trains didn’t seem so far away
    No it looks as though I’m here to stay
    Oh I believe in yesterday!

    Suddenly, My commute is twice what it used to be
    There’s a feeling of dread hanging over me
    Oh Yesterday came suddenly!

    Why was it cancelled? I don’t know! They wouldn’t say
    I said where’s my train!? Now I long for yesterday!

    Yesterday, politics was such an easy game to play,
    Now I need to place to hide away.
    Oh I believe in yesterday.

    Why was it cancelled? I don’t know! They wouldn’t say
    I said where’s my train!? Now I long for yesterday!

    Yesterday, politics was such an easy game to play,
    Now I need to place to hide away.
    Oh I believe in yesterday.

  70. And apologies to Yoko:

    Imagine there’s no train,
    It’s easy if you try.
    No 16:55 to Horsham
    In your eyesight only sky
    Imagine all the people trying to get home today

    Imagine there’s no franchises
    It isn’t hard to do
    Nothing to bid or sue for
    And no doctrine too
    Imagine all the people commuting in peace

    You may say I’m a dreamer
    But you’d like a train to catch too,
    For the moment please don’t join us,
    So we can get home and go to the loo!

    Imagine no possessions
    I wonder if anyone can
    No need for buses or diversions
    The timetable running to plan
    Imagine all the people arriving home on time

  71. And finally, my apologies to Jeff Lynne and ELO:

    It was 9:29, 9:29 downing street, big city
    The sun was going down, disruption all around and that’s not all right…
    It was one of those nights, one of those nights where you could feel the trains stopped turning
    You were standing, there was a blame game in the air, you should have been away but on the train there was a delay

    Last train to Epsom, just heading out,
    Last train to Epsom, just leaving town.
    But I really don’t want my job to last forever,
    I really need a big success!
    Let the trains run on down the line tonight.

    It was one of those nights, one of those night where you could feel the timetables burning,
    Everybody was there everybody, everybody to share, but that’s not alright…
    And you were on your own, looking like you were only one to blame
    The blame had to be with you despite you saying it wasn’t you.
    I should have wanted to stay, but you’d screw me over too!

    Last train to Epsom, just heading out,
    Last train to Epsom, just leaving town.
    But I really don’t want my job to last forever,
    I really need a big success!
    Let the trains run on down the line tonight.

    Instrumental interlude….

    Underneath the starry skies, the wait for the next train must have really dragged on
    I didn’t realise that prime ministership was in your eyes,
    You really should be gone but your desire goes on and on….

    Last train to Epsom, just heading out,
    Last train to Epsom, just leaving town.
    But I really don’t want my job to last forever,
    I really need a big success!
    Let the trains run on down the line tonight.

  72. Sh(lr)1924

    My 18:34 opus was based on Rod Stewart’s “Sailing”

    The station that inspired Simon & Garfunkel’s “Homeward Bound” (me at 1744 and 2d Tube at 1837) is cited in most sources to be Widnes

  73. With some nervousness about comparison with other efforts (to which I tip my hat), I have turned my fragment from Chatanooga Choo Choo into a complete version:

    Hi there Chris! What d’you say?
    Step aside, NR – it’s my day.
    Lend an ear and listen to my version
    Of the really squalid Thameslink blame diversion.

    Pardon me, boy, is that the Cambridge – Brighton choo choo?
    No, no.
    Try Platform 9, ‘cos we can’t use the core line.
    Can you afford to board the Cambridge – Brighton choo choo?
    I got my fare … was cheaper online, so there!

    Should leave the Lewis Cubitt station ‘bout a quarter to four.
    But the train is cancelled, so it won’t run no more.
    Dog’s dinner of a line-a, disruption isn’t minor
    But you’ll find the Minister is no resigner.

    When you see the passengers run straight to the bar,
    Then you’ll know that tether’s end is not very far.
    Trained drivers have been stolen, to try and keep it rollin’
    Whoo whoo, 2020, there you are.

    There’s going to be a jilted party at the station
    (Or polling place)
    Will the Con gov be replaced?
    May’s going to cry when they tell her that the votes have flown.
    But, Brighton – Cambridge choo choo, won’t you just choo choo me home???

  74. I think this is the one story and set of comments that has made me laugh the most in years of reading London Connections and then London Reconnections. There is some great creativity here and SHLR and Timbeau have made me laugh umpteen times. I fear that I may never hear Last Train to London by ELO (one of my fave songs) in quite the same way ever again.

  75. From the Monkees

    Take the last train to Tulse Hill
    And I’ll meet you at Loughbro’ Junction
    There’ll be no more past four-thirty
    ‘Cos the signal’s ceased to function, going slow
    Oh, no, no, no
    Oh, no, no, no

    ‘Cos I left here in the morning
    And I must get home again
    We’ve had one whole day together
    Stuck here waiting on this train which will not go
    Oh, no, no, no
    Oh, no, no, no
    And I don’t know if I’m ever going home

    Take the last train to Tulse Hill
    I’ve been waiting at the station
    The wires are down at Cuffley, Bedford, Flitwick
    And a bit of complication, oh
    Oh, no, no, no
    Oh, no, no, no

    Take the last train to Tulse Hill
    Now it really is a bore
    Why did we say we wanted Loop trains going through the core
    I just don’t know
    Oh, no, no, no
    Oh, no, no, no
    And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home

    Take the last train to Tulse Hill
    Or it might be better hitching
    You can’t get there ’til four-thirty
    ‘cos the drivers are all training up at Hitchin,
    don’t you know
    Oh, no, no, no
    Oh, no, no, no
    And I don’t know if I’m ever going home

    Take the last train to Tulse Hill
    (repeat over and over again until a train appears)

  76. @Timbeau: that’s my version in the bin then…

  77. @SH(LR)
    we’ve already had two versions of “Sailing” so don’t hold back with your version

    Meanwhile………….

    Dearest Grayling
    I have to ask you why I can’t get home any more
    For something’s happened to trains
    On my journey home and its not the same any more

    Oh, it’s been nearly twenty four hours since Tulse Hill
    Nearly one day away St Albans
    Another red signal light
    And it’s been like that all night

    And so I hired a lawyer
    To get me some money back on my fare
    And so I walked up to her
    Asked where I could get some money back and she showed me where

    Oh, it’s been nearly twenty four hours since Tulse Hill
    Nearly one day away St Albans

    She took me to the guichet
    To ask for “Delay Repay”
    They said “No way”

    Oh, it’s been nearly twenty four hours since Tulse Hill
    Nearly one day away St Albans
    The tannoy starts to relate
    That “right time”‘s turned into late

    As we were travelling slowly
    All of a sudden I felt a shooting pain in my back
    It was the rock hard seating
    Felt like I’d die before I would get past Friars of Black

    Oh, it’s been nearly twenty four hours since Tulse Hill
    Nearly one day away St Albans
    If this is Tham-eslink Two-
    Thousand, get somebody new
    Who has a clue, What to do
    When I can ever, ever, ever get home again?

  78. @Timbeau: Compared to yours it was very bad rhat’s why I didn’t post the other evening, it needed a complete rewrite. But it would appear I’m not very good at revising my own lyrics, only those of others….

  79. @2d Tube
    Yes, Welwyn North is better. And I’d probably revise the chorus to:

    If you’ll be my passenger
    I can {do something annoying ending in -iss}

    because it makes a bit more sense and scans better.
    Other possibles I’ve thought about where the songs relate to the inability to get home:

    We came on the GTR // Me and my Grandpa // Around Kentish Town we did roam…

    Take me home // Thameslink Train // To the place I belong // {station name}*

    *Mitcham Junction scans nicely for me but I’m sure others will have their own preferences

  80. Not much time today, so 1st verse:

    Who do you thin’ you are kiddin’ Mr Grayling?

    When you try to shift the blame.

    All of these troubles might make you sound quite cross.

    You were told that they were coming but you didn’t give a toss.

    So who do you thin’ you are kiddin’ Mr Grayling?

    When you try to shift the blame.

    Suggestions for further verses gratefully received.

  81. @Nameless
    The fourth line doesn’t scan for me as there’s too many words in it. I think it should instead be something like:

    “There were warnings but you didn’t give a toss.”

    As for a second verse, here’s a suggestion that’s based on the original words:

    Mr Brown goes off to town on the 08:21,

    But struggles home each evening ’cause the Redhill trains won’t run.

    So who do you thin’ you are kiddin’ Mr Grayling?

    When you try to shift the blame.

  82. And now, a song from the streets, thanks (and apologies) to Mick Strummer:

    Thameslink calling at the faraway towns
    Now the timetable has changed, and service is falling down
    Thameslink calling to the working class world
    Stop your complaining you little boys and girls
    Thameslink calling, now don’t look to us
    DfT’s reputation has bitten the dust
    Thameslink calling, see we ain’t got no trains
    Except for the DfT bleating that it’s not their blame

    The timetable is crumbling, the press is zooming in
    Meltdown expected, the service is growing thin
    Trains stop running, but I have no fear
    ‘Cause Thameslink is failing, and I trust Chris Grayling

    Thameslink calling to the industry zone
    Forget it brother TOC, we’re taking your drivers home
    Thameslink calling to the DfT
    Quit hanging us out and propose a remedy
    Thameslink calling, and I don’t wanna shout
    But while we were talking, I saw your train cancelled out
    Thameslink calling, see we ain’t got no plan
    All of our people have already turned and ran

    The ice age is coming, the freeze is zooming in
    Trains booked off running, the service is growing thin
    A TOC error, but I have no fear
    ‘Cause Thameslink is drowning, and I favour Chris Grayling

    The apocalypse is coming, the knives are drawing in
    Class 700s have stopped running, the frequency is growing thin
    A GTR error, but I have no fear
    ‘Cause Thameslink is failing, and I favour Chris Grayling

    Now get this…
    Thameslink calling, yes, I was there too
    And you know what they said? Well, a lot of it is true!
    Thameslink calling at the top of the line
    And after all this, won’t you give us another try?
    Thameslink calling…

    I never felt so much alike alike alike alike…

  83. @anon E. Mouse
    Sir, I humbly defer to your superior skills as a librettista.

  84. Re Nameless/Anon E. Mouse – it is somewhat appropriate that Ghost Train was written by Private Godfrey. Sorry, Arnold Ridley

  85. I think that the whole sorry saga can be summed up with the original intro and first word of the BeeGees classic:

    Commuter:

    (Hums intro.)

    Sings “Tragedy”

    Breaks down in uncontrollable grief.

    Curtain.

  86. Time for some more Simon and Garfunkel:

    Gee-TR get me back home
    Home is where I want to be
    I’ve been on the line so long my friend
    And if you came along
    I know you couldn’t disagree.
    It’s the same old story, yeah.
    Everywhere I go, I get stranded, mad, or
    I hear words I never read in my Bradshaw
    And I’m one stop ahead of the junction
    Two stops away from the Brighton line.
    They try to keep the passenger mystified
    Mystified

    Ticket Inspector said to me,
    “Tell me what you come here for, boy
    If you’re trying to get to Crawley
    You’re in trouble, boy
    This train won’t go, it’s too early.”
    It’s the same old story, yeah.
    Everywhere I go, I get stranded, mad, or
    I hear words I never read in my Bradshaw
    And I’m one stop ahead of the junction
    Two stops away from the Brighton line.
    They try to keep the passenger mystified
    Mystified.

  87. Yesterday

    Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
    Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
    Oh I believe in yesterday

    Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be
    There’s a cancellation hanging over me
    Oh yesterday came suddenly

    Why the train had to go?
    I don’t know, G wouldn’t say
    I stood on the platform too long
    And yearn for yesterday

    Yesterday, trains were such an easy game to play
    Now I need a place to wait away
    Oh I believe in yesterday

  88. Why are Simon and Garfunkel so good for this?

    Join up the trains, we’ll marry our lines together
    I’ve got some tunnels, here underground.
    So we bought some new trains, sent the old ones North
    And we walked off to look for a timetable

    Cathy, I said as we boarded an express at Gatwick
    London seems like a dream to me now
    It took me four days to hitchhike from Brighton
    And I’ve come to look for a timetable

    Bored on the train, playing games with the faces
    She said she’d be giving birth before we got to London
    I said be careful, there’s no ambulance here

    Toss me a sandwich, I think there’s one in my raincoat
    We ate the last one four hours ago
    So I looked at my fingernails, she re-read her magazine
    And the moon rose over the quarry lines

    Cathy, I’m lost, I said, though I know where we are
    I’m hungry and thirsty and I do know why
    Counting the cars passing below on the M25
    They’ve all come to look for a timetable, all come to look for a timetable

    Instrumental break…

    Counting the cars passing below on the M25
    They’ve all come to look for a timetable, all come to look for a timetable
    All come to look for a timetable

  89. Back to ELO, time to get out your roller skates:

    A place where nobody dared to go, the platforms down below
    They call it platform three

    And now open your eyes to see, the mess down there is real
    We are on platform three

    A million passengers are angry and there you are, a shooting star
    An everlasting anguish and still you say it wasn’t me

    [Chorus:]
    Platform three, platform three, (now we are here) on platform three
    Platform three, platform three, (now we are here) on platform three

    Platform three, your neon lights will shine for you, platform three

    The delays, the choices of long ago, have come back to you now
    They are on platform three

    The dreams that came through tens of years
    Of seats, despite all the tears, it came to platform three

    A mirage it’s proved to be and there you are, a shooting star
    An everlasting delay and you’re here with me, on platform three

    [chorus]

    Now that I’m here, now that you’re near on platform three
    Now that I’m here, now that you’re near on platform three

  90. I’ve been standing all night,
    My hand’s wet on the pole
    There’s a voice on my phone
    That burns a hole
    It’s my baby callin’,
    Says: I need you here
    And it’s a half past four
    And I’m still stuck here

    It gets so lonely
    And the crush is just too much
    Where is that train?
    Please help from above!
    Can’t get reception at all!

    [Chorus]:
    We’ve got something called new trains
    We’ve got a big problem
    Chris Grayling

    The tannoy’s repeating some stupid line
    About improvements coming down the line
    The fatigue has got me hypnotised
    And I’m struggling into a new sunrise

    These waits aren’t lonely
    But I’ve really had enough
    Send me some some space
    Please heavens above!
    Still no reception at all!!!!

    [Chorus]:
    We’ve got something called new trains
    We’ve got to do something
    Chris Grayling

    No more speed, train’s stopped again now
    Gotta keep cool now, gotta stay awake
    Don’t wanna to faint now, only five stops to go!
    And the number of routes is going down slow

    The tannoy’s repeating some stupid line
    About improvements coming in time
    Another minister sang to same old song
    Passengers wonder when he’ll be gone

    When can I find a job without needing a train?
    So I can see my love, awake when I get home?
    And we don’t need no reception at all!

    We’ve got a problem called Chris Grayling
    We’ve got a pie in the sky
    We’ve got a problem that’s called Chris Grayling
    We’ve got a thing that’s called,
    A pile of shit….

  91. It is a shame that the House of Commons is such a formal place. Today’s questions session would surely have been heightened by one or two Labour MPs, with good singing voices, treating the country to one or two “LR lyrical adaptations”. Watching the reaction of the govt benches would have been fascinating. 😉

  92. LBM: your Thameslink Calling sung to the original conjures up a suitably doom laden atmosphere. Great stuff.

  93. Commuter stands on a deserted platform, lights turn from white to rose tinted

    Commuter sings ‘Summer of 2009’ – With thanks to Bryan Adams

    I got my first season ticket
    Bought it at Peckham Rye
    Rode the old Thameslink trains
    Was the summer of 2009

    Me and some guys from work,
    had a seat that was not hard
    Adonis quit, McLoughlin moved on
    I should’ve known GTR wouldn’t get far

    Oh, when I look back now
    Those journeys wouldn’t last forever
    And if I had any choice
    Yeah, I’d always wanna choose them
    Those were the best trains of my life

    Ain’t no use in complainin’
    Network Rail have got a job to do
    Spend my evenings claiming delay-repay
    Might even lose my job, yeah

    Shouting at Chris Grayling’s door
    He told me I might have to wait forever
    Oh, and when you checked the app
    You knew the train was due in 5minutes
    Those were the best trains of my life

    Oh, yeah
    Back in the summer of 2009, oh

    Man, now I’m killing time, waiting for cancelled services
    I needed to get home
    I guess GTR can’t last forever, forever, no?

    Yeah

    And now the timetables a changin’
    I can’t even see what’s come and gone
    Sometimes when I see my old season ticket
    I think about Thameslink wondering what went wrong

    Shouting at Chris Grayling’s door
    He told me GTR might not last forever
    Oh, but when you check up on that fact
    The PAC say that’ll never happen
    Gone are the best trains of my life

    Oh, yeah
    Back in the summer of 2009, oh
    It was the summer of 2009, oh, yeah
    Me commuting on trains in 2009, oh
    It was the summer, the summer, the summer
    of 2009, yeah

  94. The results of one of those conference calls where attendance is mandatory but pointless…

    7 Days by Craig David

    On my way to go to work which was a couple stops away from me
    As I walked to the station
    It must have been six forty-three
    In front of me, stood a beautiful train it was a class seven hundred
    It was at the right time
    I thought I’d get to the gym, grab a latte and be sat at my desk at work for nine

    Did we leave on time? No
    Were the seats fine? I don’t think so
    Was it for real? Damn, sure
    What was the deal? The driver couldn’t pass Dartford
    Why might this be? He wasn’t trained
    The DfT? They can’t be blamed
    What did they say? They said GTR had royally screwed
    Up by doing what they’d been told to do
    And that Network Rail didn’t have a clue

    Fun day
    Tried to catch the ‘slink on Tuesday
    At the station all day on Wednesday
    And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday
    (Replacement) bus on Sunday
    I worked from home on Monday
    Tried to catch the ‘slink on Tuesday
    At the station all day on Wednesday
    And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday
    (Replacement) bus on Sunday

  95. Oh Mr Hendy, what shall we do
    Electric trains to Manchester
    Via Bolton can’t get through
    Meanwhile back in London
    The Government looks for blame
    Oh Mr Hendy – looks like you are in the frame

  96. One of the great mysteries of rock and roll, namely working out who or what inspired the original song.

    You ran in to the station
    Like you wanted to beat the queues
    You were planning to get away from here
    And had no time to lose.
    You had one eye on the display screen
    As you checked the latest news
    And all the routes seemed to be in big trouble
    Be in big trouble, and

    Where’s your train?
    I think you’re slightly mad to expect one
    Where’s your train?
    You must be slightly mad to expect one
    Aren’t you?
    Aren’t you?

    It started several days ago,
    A Monday morning in May
    When they said that the new times were pretty fair
    And that there would be no delay.
    But they took away some trains you see,
    And one of them was mine.
    I had some dreams, that I’d make it to Redhill
    Make it to Redhill, and

    Where’s my train?
    It’s probably still back in the depot
    Where’s my train? Where’s my train?
    I bet it’s still back in the depot
    Depot
    Depot

    Well I hear you went to Stevenage
    And then you couldn’t get back.
    Then you took a bus up to Potters Bar
    To see the services were still slack.
    Well you’re stuck there now for a very long time,
    Because there’s nothing else due for a while.
    Still no trains on the up line
    Trains on the up line

    Where’s my train?
    You probably think I’m mad to expect one
    Where’s my train? Where’s my train?
    I bet you think I’m mad to expect one
    Don’t you
    Don’t you

  97. @2d Tube: A superb work! Although the 298 goes there… 😉

  98. Well we don’t know where we’re going
    Somewhere the driver’s never been
    And we don’t know what we’re knowing
    Because of a broken screen
    And we’re not little children
    So we’ve paid full fare
    So let the train run on time
    Give us time to get home

    We’re on a train to nowhere
    Come on inside
    Takin’ that ride to nowhere
    Stuck, a red light

    Feeling OK this morning
    It won’t last
    We’re on the train to hell
    Here we go, here we go

    We’re on a train to nowhere
    Come on inside
    Takin’ that ride to nowhere
    Stuck, a red light

    Maybe you wonder where you are
    He don’t care
    He’s busy saying he wasn’t there
    He don’t care… He don’t care

    We’re on a train to nowhere
    We’re on a train to nowhere
    We’re on a train to nowhere

    There’s London in my mind
    Try to catch that ride
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    But it’s very far away
    Getting further day by day
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    Sorry I invited you along
    It was selfish, totally wrong
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    We can dream me and you
    But we’ll never get there before two
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    There’s London in my mind
    Try to catch that ride
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    But it’s very far away
    Getting further day by day
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    Sorry I invited you along
    It was selfish, totally wrong
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    We can dream me and you
    But we’ll never get there before two
    Train goes nowhere, bloody nowhere

    We’re on a train to nowhere
    We’re on a train to nowhere
    We’re on a train to nowhere

    We’re on a train to nowhere

  99. Have you seen the old train
    At junction “Borough Market”
    Picking up the current
    With its worn out shoes?
    In the cab you see no pride
    Drivers sitting side by side
    Thameslink’s man’ger pilots GTR’s (whose?)

    So how can you tell me you’re weary
    And say once more that you hate the line?
    Let me take you by the hand and
    Lead you through the tracks of London
    Show you something to make you change your mind

    Have you seen the old man
    Who walks the Pal. Of Westm’ster
    Spouting excuses, his prospects are dead
    He’s pretty good at talking
    But not so keen on walking
    Carrying his excuses in a box that is red

    So how can you tell me you’re working
    And say that you’ll keep you job right through?
    Let me take you by the hand and
    Lead you through the tracks of London
    Show you something to make you change your view

    In the all night café
    At a quarter past eleven
    Same commuter sitting there on his own
    Looking at the platform
    Over the rim of his teacup
    The trains once an hour
    And none will take him home

    So how can you tell me you’re weary
    And say you’ll get home, just don’t know when
    Let me take you by the hand, son
    Lead you through the streets of Sipson
    Show you something to make you think again

  100. I feel very outdone here. The only song I keep getting in my head is King’s Cross by the Pet Shop Boys (btw written BEFORE the fire)

    “So I went looking out today
    for the one who got away
    Murder walking round the block
    ending up in King’s Cross/St Pancras
    Good luck, bad luck waiting in a line
    It takes more than the matter of time

    Someone told me Monday, someone told me Saturday
    Wait until tomorrow and there’s still no way
    Read it in a book or write it in a email
    Wake up in the morning and there’s still no guarantee
    There is still no guarantee”

  101. Submitted by a friend:

    With thanks to Tim Curry for the unforgetable original performance:

    [Verse 1:]
    How do you do, I see you’ve met my
    Drongo Minister
    He’s just a boy who thought that when you booked
    You didn’t care where you’d go

    Don’t get strung out by the cancelled trains
    Don’t rush to vote for another
    He’s not much of a man and he’s sure to stay
    And he’ll leave us in a right state of bother

    [Chorus:]
    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    [Verse 2:]
    Let me show you around, let’s see what you’ve found
    Is that a train that you’re wanting to take?
    Do you really think it and the rest of this shit
    Is a timetable or simply a fake?

    [Male Passenger, spoken]
    I’m glad you’re admitting it. Are there any other options?
    We’re both in a bit of a hurry…

    [Female Passenger, spoken]
    Right

    [Male Passenger, spoken]
    We’ll just say where we are, then go back to the car
    We know we’ll never get on a train.

    [New Timetable, sung]
    So, you’re still at your flat? Well, how ’bout that
    Well babies, just work from home
    There aren’t any trains and the platforms are full
    Your work can be done on the phone

    [Chorus:]
    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    [Verse 3:]
    Why don’t you give up your job? Don’t travel by rail!
    I know it’s a national obsession
    We can’t get it right and it’s not worth the fight
    And it raises our joint hypertension

    [Chorus 2:]
    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    [Verse 4:]
    So come up to town and please don’t frown
    I hear you yelling for a resig…nation
    But maybe the train isn’t really to blame
    So let’s remove the cause … To fix the system!

  102. [New Timetable] – adapted from Richard O’Brien’s “Sweet Transvestite” (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)

    [Verse 1:]
    How do you do, I see you’ve met
    My drongo Minister
    He’s just a boy who thought that when you booked
    You didn’t care where you’d go

    Don’t get strung out by the cancelled trains
    Don’t rush to vote for another
    He’s not much of a man and he’s sure to stay
    And he’ll leave us in a right state of bother

    [Chorus:]
    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    [Verse 2:]
    Let me show you around, let’s see what you’ve found
    Is that a train that you’re wanting to take?
    Do you really think it and the rest of this shit
    Is a timetable or simply a fake?

    [Male Passenger, spoken]
    I’m glad you’re admitting it. Are there any other options?
    We’re both in a bit of a hurry…

    [Female Passenger, spoken]
    Right

    [Male Passenger, spoken]
    We’ll just stay where we are, then go back to the car
    We know we’ll never get on a train.

    [New Timetable, sung]
    So, you’re still at your flat? Well, how ’bout that
    Well babies, just work on from home
    There aren’t any trains and the platforms are full
    Your work can be done on the phone

    [Chorus:]
    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    [Verse 3:]
    Why don’t you give up your job? Don’t travel by rail!
    I know it’s a national obsession
    We can’t get it right and it’s not worth the fight
    And it raises our joint hypertension

    [Chorus 2:]
    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    I’m just your new timetable
    From DfT, London Town

    [Verse 4:]
    So come up to town and please don’t frown
    I hear you yelling for a resig…nation
    But maybe the train isn’t really to blame
    So let’s remove the cause to fix the system!

  103. Apologies to Rod Stewart again…

    GRAYLINGS FAILING

    COMMUTERS
    Grayling’s failing
    Grayling’s failing
    Once again
    We’re late for tea
    Grayling’s failing
    He’s not bothered
    And he’s in charge of
    The DFT

    GRAYLING
    I am lying
    I am lying
    You can tell cause
    My lips moved
    I am lying
    How’s it my fault
    I just run the
    DFT

    COMMUTERS
    Can you hear me, can you hear me
    Please send Thameslink, far away
    You are lying, forever lying
    And I won’t get home today

    GRAYLING
    Can you hear me, can you hear me
    Like Sinatra, in my way
    I am trying, I am trying
    To make Thameslink, work today

    COMMUTERS
    Grayling’s failing, Grayling’s failing
    Once again
    My train is late
    He is blaming
    Network Rail
    Makes a change from
    The RMT

    COMMUTERS
    And Thameslink Rail is, all at sea
    Yes Thameslink Rail is, all at sea
    Yes Thameslink Rail is, all at sea

  104. Revised in view of today’s Birthday Honours lists

    Oh dear, Sir Peter, what shall we do?
    Electric trains to Manchester
    Via Bolton can’t get through
    Meanwhile back in London
    (Happy Birthday Ma’am)
    Oh bliss, Sir Peter, what? A C-BE gained by Carne!

  105. Now available in the foyer! The book that inspired the musical.

    To get the full fascinating story purchase your copy of ‘I also tried to run a railway’ by Charles Horton.

  106. With hindsight, perhaps “Oh dear Sir Peter” could have been “Oh Mr Horton” – much closer to the original too!

  107. Adapted from Peter Gabriel’s song “Biko”.
    June Twenty Eighteen
    London Bridge weather fine
    It was business as usual
    On the new Thameslink line
    Oh Thameslink, Thameslink, because Thameslink
    Oh Thameslink, Thameslink, because Thameslink
    Failing Grayling, Failing Grayling
    The trains are bad
    The trains are bad

    When I try to go to work
    I can only dream its fine
    But with this new timetable
    There’s not a single train on time
    Oh Thameslink, Thameslink, because Thameslink
    Oh Thameslink, Thameslink, because Thameslink
    Failing Grayling, Failing Grayling
    The trains are bad
    The trains are bad

    Chris Grayling ought to go
    As the train service is so dire
    But he won’t take the blame
    So we end up in the mire
    Oh Thameslink, Thameslink, because Thameslink
    Oh Thameslink, Thameslink, because Thameslink
    Failing Grayling, Failing Grayling
    The trains are bad
    The trains are bad

    And English commuters are
    Watching now
    Watching now

  108. Despite a lack of ability, I have been trying hard to pen something approaching the brilliance of some of the earlier efforts. Thinking that Heavy Metal would be appropriate for a railway-inspired ditty I settled for ‘I Am, I’m Me’ by Twisted Sister as my basis. I got as far as:

    Who are you to tell me what I should believe
    I know what your game is and how you deceive
    Your days are surely numbered, I won’t stand no more
    Yes I’ve seen right through you, yes I know the score

    However, I realised that it was too close to the original and that as there will probably still be a lot of standing involved the third line doesn’t really work, so I have given up.

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