Ankh-Morpork Transport Committee: March 2015

This week saw the monthly meeting of the Ankh-Morpork Assembly Transport Committee. Due to the presence of The Transport Commissioner, Sir Harry King and Moist von Lipwig, Head of Sub-surface Rail, there to update the Committee on the progress of the new Underground railway, the Patrician himself, Lord Vetinari, was in attendance, although he declined to take the role of Chair.

Also in attendance were Commander Vimes, Lord Rust and the Librarian of the Unseen university.

The Ankh-Morpork Underground Railway

Following the successful completion of the line to Uberwald, work has begun on the new Underground Railway and von Lipwig provided an update on progress so far. Dwarfish teams working from the Rimwards Gate tunnel portal have now reached the Pishe Gardens station box, linking up with the Golem crews there. Tunnelling from the tunnelling portal at Hubwards Gate is also underway, although von Lipwig confirmed that work here is behind schedule.

Labour AM Tom Copley then asked von Lipwig if he was aware of the recent story in the Ankh-Morpork Times about the delays. This had suggested that they were due to the discovery of a particularly large new breed of rat infesting the tunnel and causing problems for the dwarfish tunnel crews.

“It wasn’t so much the presence of the rats that was the problem,” von Lipwig explained, “as the lack of ketchup.”

The Chair, Caroline Pidgeon, then raised the issue once again of the funding arrangements for the new line. Here, Sir Harry was unequivocal – in his opinion the Public Private Partnership between himself and the city was by far the best value for money.

“Yes, but for whom?” Commander Vimes was heard to mutter.

Val Shawcross once again indicated the committee’s frustration with the level of feedback they received on project milestones – both from Transport for Ankh-Morpork and the Patrician.

“There are still 43 questions from the last Patrician’s Question Time that are awaiting written answers.” She commented, with obvious frustration.

“Ah, but I did let you ask the questions.” Vetinari replied.

Lord Rust, there representing Ankh-Morpork’s surface land owners association, once again brought up the subject of the name of the line. He indicated that the association had now produced a shortlist of one hundred prominent rulers from Ankh-Morpork history after whom the first line could be named.

“There appears to be some kind of mistake,” Lord Vetinari commented as the list was circulated. “My name is on this list.”

“It seemed only fitting,” Lord Rust commented obsequiously, “that a ruler with such a long reign as yourself be considered, my Lord.”

The committee’s silence was broken only by the sound of Vimes’ sniggering and, eventually, by the drop of a very large penny.

“…not that you… um… rule us my lord,” Lord Rust stuttered, “You’re right. It’s a typo. My mistake.”

“Nonetheless,” Lord Rust continued, “the association do insist that the line be named after one of our previous kings. A reminder to the people,” he said, glancing pointedly at Commander Vimes, “of the long, glorious royal line that once ruled this city until… events intervened”

“Why! Would that be a pointed reference to a certain ancestor of mine!” Commander Vimes replied, loudly, “I might remind you that those kings…”

“Agreed. We made a deal, Lord Rust, and deals should be honoured.” Vetinari confirmed, waving away the obvious protests of the City’s Watch commander. “And before you combust entirely, Sir Samuel, may I suggest we ask Sir Harry what he has decided to name the last of his stations – after all it was agreed he would have the naming rights for those?”

“The last one?” Sir Harry asked, beaming, “The one that ends the line? I’m calling it Stoneface Terminus.”

The New Omnibus for Ankh-Morpork

The committee then asked as to the status of the rollout of the new, greener NOfAM. Here, von Lipwig had to admit that progress had been delayed. This wasn’t due to any flaw in the technology, he insisted, which had reduced emissions and noxious deposits from horses by 40% in the city.

“It’s simply that when you ask a golem to start pulling an omnibus it can be hard sometimes to persuade him to stop.”

TfAM are investigating possible solutions to the issue.

Inter-modal travel, changing urban demographics and the Ankh-Morpork 2050 plan

Finally, the committee asked the Librarian to report back on the University’s study of Ankh-Morpork’s growth needs and their proposed infrastructure plan for the coming half-century. This report has now been made available to the public, and LR’s Jonathan Roberts is currently in the process of putting together a full series on it which we will run shortly.

In the meantime, however, it is worth quoting the Librarian’s comments to the committee in full, as they provide a good guide to the basic tone and discussion it contains:

Ook.

Next up, we will take a look at some of the supporting papers from the last Transport for Ankh-Morpork Board Meeting, which include a look at TfAM’s proposals to introduce a night service for Vampires.

In loving memory of Terry Pratchett, 1948 – 2015. Your fiction helped inspire us to write facts.

“The Truth Shall Make Ye Fred.”

Illustration at the head of this page courtesy of Discworld Emporium, as seen in the Ankh-Morpork street map App, which is well worth a few of your Ankh-Morpork dollars.

39 comments

  1. lost on me am afraid. will goggle Terry Pratchett satire it would seem

  2. I know nothing of Mr Pratchett’s writing [1] but the above article certainly reminds me of far too many webcasts from a spherical building near the Thames! I sometimes feel that “Ook” would be an improvement over some of the responses I hear. 🙂

    [1] feel free to be appalled!

  3. John, that was an amazing and perfect tribute to Terry Pratchett. Well done.

  4. Pitch perfect John. Beautiful. On, and Walthamstow Writer, despite your lack of familiarity with Sir Terry’s work, just the very inclusion of a footnote is a fitting tribute. He liked footnotes. A lot.

  5. Not to rain on the tribute, but it’s “Ankh-Morpork”, with a hyphen and pork rather than pock.

    (Or is it deliberate and I’m missing something?)

  6. I’ve never read anything by the late Mr Pratchett’s, but if it reads like this article I may have to fix that.

    It did take me a couple of read-throughs to figure up what was going on.

    Pete

  7. If you can cope, IMNSHO … “Small Gods” or “Soul Music” are the places to start, though “Guards”, Guards!” is an n other.
    Or, of course amy of the Tiffany Aching books.
    RIP PTerry, we will all miss you …

  8. Pete in the US
    Do it. Tomorrow. Buy The Colour of Magic, which is the first Disc world book, or Mort, which is Death’s story, and which an American not used to UK humour, may find more accessible. I promise you will not regret it!

  9. Excellent Tribute to The Man !! Or as the Librarian would say – “Ook!”

  10. Apologies for the typos. Should all be fixed now. Turns out I’m not a great copy editor when I’m trying not to blub.

    Pete in the US – I would say that a lot of the attitude to life I have comes from reading Pratchett. Certainly there’s a bit of him in the way we try and be both accurate but also slightly wry here on LR.

    So I will say that you absolutely should read Pratchett. And if you’ll allow me to pull rank on the (excellent) suggestions from others by virtue of being this site’s editor, I will say that if you’re a city person – that is, if there is a city (or even the concept or memory of one) who has a pull on your heart, as London does for me – then start with Guards! Guards!

  11. I loved the article. It captures the spirit of Raising Steam, and for that I cannot say thank you enough. I would like to say that you have done Sir Terry proud.

  12. I was not expecting to encounter a Terry tribute here, but that was lovely.

    Having spent much of the day crying or nearly crying I’ll not start myself off by writing much, but for the uninitiated commenters above (or below), I shall chime with another endorsement of reading him. Very funny, very trenchant… so much to praise, and yes, there’s much London reflected in Ankh-Morpork.

    A couple of tenuously transport related quotes in tribute.

    There’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it’s wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.

    There is a legend in Ankh-Morpork of an ancient drum in the palace that will bang itself if ever an enemy fleet is seen sailing up the Ankh, although the legend has died out in recent centuries, partly because it’s the Age of Reason and also because no enemy fleet could sail up the Ankh without a gang of men with shovels going in front.

  13. Thank you.
    A great tribute to a great writer, we will miss you Sir Terry.

  14. Like some others here, and bizarrely for me, I’ve yet to read Pratchett. Sheer laziness and/or prevarication TBH.
    Your superb tribute, JB, is a further kick up the posterior for me. Just let me finish the 20 titles backed up in Kindle first……

  15. Have read most of his books and watched the films, a great guy who will be missed by Discworld lovers – a great tribute to TP.

  16. Absolutley brilliant. Perfect tribute to a great man. STP will be missed, but with articles like that he will live on.

  17. Thank you Terry for your wisdom and humour. Thank you LR for a fitting tribute.

  18. Funny, but it would be nice to see the real TfL meeting summaries. They are sorely missed.

  19. @ Anon 1958 – I may have a go at a couple in the near future but they are tremendous hard work to distill. The trick is to have a viable and non sleep inducing article at the end and that’s not easy. Some papers are worthy of an article in themselves. There may also be other things that others are writing that might cut across a meeting summary but I guess that’s one for JB to wield the editorial knife as he sees fit.

  20. Thanks for that. The depth of TP’s cultural references will keep the universities, seen and Unseen, busy for years to come. My favourite quotation is “‘What would human beings be without love?’ ‘RARE’, Death replied.”

  21. Fantastic tribute which I’m certain would have elicited a chortle from the man in the hat. Thank you for sharing.

    GNU Terry Pratchett.

  22. Well written Sir. I think his official stance on fanfic was what the men with the thin wrist watches told him it should be. But I cannot help think he’d be pleased by your efforts.

  23. Stoneface Terminus! That is just excellent. Terry would be proud.
    Now go home and write a book.

  24. This is a truly brilliant tribute to a truly brilliant author. Thank you Sir. I have started to re read. Hadn’t realised how much I had missed this clever wit.

  25. Dear John Bull,

    Sadly I’ve only just read this . I’m sure you can imagine the difficulty of receiving communication from your industrious and aromatic city due to the moist climate of my home country. Letters and newspapers sadly soaked beyond all comprehension and the clacks more often than not under repair due to weather damage.

    Whilst I sincerely doubt Lord Vetinari would ever extend the political franchise of your city to anyone beyond himself, I am deeply touched by such a fitting tribute to the great wordsmith.

    Thank you,

    Hywel ap Dafydd
    Llamedos

    PS. I do hope your innovative idea avoids the attention of the Dark Clerks or the Scorpion Pits.

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