Word of the Year: Crayonista


Last year at Christmas we provided new words with a theme of transport in London to the song of the Lord High Executioner.

In recognition that, as far as we are concerned, the word of the year is not “selfie” but “crayonista” – and why crayonista and not crayonisto you may ask? – here are the London Reconnections alternative words to Noël Coward’s song entitled “Mrs Worthington”. In case you haven’t been closely following our site through the year, a crayonista is someone who proposes rail schemes and seems to base their plans on a map or even a diagram and a set of crayons that they play with.

In an introduction to the song Noël Coward stated that

Some years ago when I was returning from the Far East on a very large ship, I was pursued around the decks every day by a very large lady. She showed me some photographs of her daughter – a repellant-looking girl and seemed convinced that she was destined for a great stage career. Finally, in sheer self-preservation, I locked myself in my cabin and wrote this song – “Don’t Put Your Daughter On The Stage, Mrs. Worthington”

The song in one sense was the least successful ever. It was written to put off the Mrs Worthingtons of this world from writing to Noël Coward asking him to get their daughter on the stage. Inevitably the opposite happened.

The song is also noticeable for falling foul of the Lord Chamberlain’s regulations at the time. The final verse was considered as beyond redemption and it was many decades later before the words were sung in public.

Here is a later version as sung by the master himself but without the final verse.

And this is probably one of the best modern takes currently available. It includes the final verse and the singer, Fenton Gray, performs it with the true venom that the song deserves.

So, totally not in the spirit of Christmas, and with the assured knowledge that these words will be every bit as successful as the original ones from Noël Coward were, here is the LR alternative.

Don’t put your rail plans on our site, Crayonista Man,
don’t put your rail plans on our site.
The comments are overcrowded with these wild and fancy schemes
And while sincerely advanced they don’t stand a chance
And must remain just dreams.
There are planners with access to the required facts
To plan the schemes our city lacks and put things all to rights
I repeat Crayonista Man, dear Crayonista Man
Don’t put your rail plans on our site.

Regarding plans, dear Crayonista Man,
Of Wednesday the 23rd
Although your tube line looks fine and your intentions are sincere
How can I make it clear this is not a good idea
The gradients and tight turns appear, Crayonista Man
to make the whole thing quite absurd.
The impracticality shows in reality it’s lacking in sense and any pretence
of the real world isn’t there.

Don’t put your rail plans on our site, Crayonista Man,
don’t put your rail plans on our site.
The number of level crossings means it will never be approved,
The cost of the scheme means it must stay a dream
Unless substantially improved.
Its a bold scheme and though its full of good intent
its faults are really evident and its hard to stay polite.
So, please Crayonista Man, refrain, I am sure you can, and
don’t put your rail plans on our site.

Don’t put your rail plans on our site, Crayonista Man,
don’t put your rail plans on our site.
The scale of the required destruction means we lose what we hold dear
The Festival Halls and even St Pauls would have to disappear.
Its a wild plan and though it solves our transport woes
Its not a thing sane men propose and for London isn’t right
So please, Crayonista Man, forget your destructive plan
And don’t put your rail plans on our site.

Don’t put your rail plans on our site, Crayonista Man,
don’t put your rail plans on our site.
Your thoughts are completely bonkers and your plans are much the same
If torn to shreds it has to be said you’ve got yourself to blame
Its a mad plan in the realms of fantasy
I assure you it will never be seen in a good light
So please Crayonista Man, disappear if you possibly can
And don’t put your rail plans on our site.

As last year, you are welcome to suggest additions and alterations but it must have the necessary rhyming couplets and must scan correctly. As it is Christmas you can mention the Waterloo & City Line as much as you like.

Finally, we have Graham Feakins to thank for alerting us to an interesting round trip freight working from North Pole Depot.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and we look forward to reading your comments next year – even those of your fantasy rail schemes.

Written by Pedantic of Purley